Tuesday, January 24, 2012

First night away from my baby

9 months and 10 days after his birth I spent the first night away from my baby. It was so hard and I tried not to think about it. I'm so used to his babbling, his little fusses, him crawling up my legs, him laughing at my grandma's silly little bird, the sound of him throwing his blocks around. The kid has an arm already. The silence was deafening. I just wanted to pick him up and hold him and smooch him.

Jehovah kept me strong, he knew I needed the strength to get through that time. I'm doing the right thing. Despite my loss of trust in his daddy, I am trusting him again for Emery's sake. So that he can spend time with his daddy and his brothers. This could bite both Emery and I in the butt but I hope it doesn't, for his sake.

I get to go pick him up at 3pm today and I can't even wait. I need my baby so badly.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

To Nathan and Ethan

One day you may see this, I hope anyway.

I don't know where to start other than I love you both dearly. We have had so much fun on all our adventures. I will never forget them or you guys.

I am so sorry I have to walk out of your lives. I have stayed so long simply for you two and Emery. I tried to be the best mommy I could to you guys. I have tried to be honest, loving and supportive. I have tried to be the mom that every kid deserves, especially you two. I hope someday you will have her.

I hope I have made such a positive impact on your lives that you will always remember me. You two are such fine boys. You are both so intelligent and I will very much miss being a part of your lives.

Nathan- you are amazing. You have faced so many struggles that no 9 year old boy should have to face. I hope that this makes you a strong man. You deserve every good thing out there and I hope you strive for it. I hope you know your self worth and work hard. Don't ever, EVER let someone tear you down or make you feel like you deserve less. I hope you continue to be the wonderful helper you are. I appreciate all your love for Emery and being so helpful. Emery and Ethan are so lucky to have you as a brother.

Ethan- you have faced some harsh battles for a 3 year old. You have taught me patience and understanding. You won't understand why I left and you may be confused. This is so heart breaking for me to do. You are such a character and you bring so many smiles into my life. I will never forget your silly things like "whoopdy woo's, icky 'piders" etc. You alone little man, have made me love all things boy. I never thought id learn to love and get excited over things like excavators, monster trucks, hot wheels and fire trucks.

I'm sorry that the one stable woman is walking out of your life. I hope if there is another one that she loves you two like I do. I hope she supports your every dream and goal, cheers and screams you on track meets and other sporting events. I hope she pushes you to be strong readers and do the best in school. I am so sorry I will miss out on this. I will try to maintain a relationship with you boys if your daddy allows it. I'd love nothing more than to be at the sidelines cheering you on. I would love for you to meet Emery and I at the park to play and splash through the splash pad.

I love you boys more than you'll ever know. I hope you never doubt that or think I left because you.

I am here for always, if you EVER need anything, no matter how old you are I will always be here for you. To talk, yo be a support, to encourage. Anything you ever need I will do my best to provide.

I love you guys. 

Love you

Emery,

I am so sorry your world has been turned upside down. I tried for so long to avoid this but there comes a time when a person realizes they are worth more and they deserve more.

I can't be a good mama to you when I am unhappy and unloved. It starts to wear a person out and mamas can't be worn out.

I love you more than this entire world and I promise to keep you safe, healthy and warm. I wish I could prevent you from ever having to experience this and the heartbreak. I hope you never feel this pain.

I will raise you to appreciate people, to show affection and say I love you. I will raise you to never be afraid to think your thoughts or express your feelings and I will raise you to be such a gentleman that all you ever find is a woman who is just as worthy and loving, loyal and honest as you.

I hope someday when you're older you will understand why you have a broken home and not judge me for it.

I will try to make this transition as easy as possible for you and make sure your daddy's family still remains a huge part of your life. I don't want you to miss out on that extra love and support just because we needed a better home.

I love you so much Emery. Thank you for being the sweetest, happiest baby and making the sun shine in my life despite all the darkness I feel in my heart. Thank you for knowing I'm upset though I try to shield you from it, I'm your mama and you know and give me all the extra cuddles. I cherish them so much.

I love you baby boy.