Wednesday, February 9, 2011

UGH

I really hate that no one gets how #&$%*#$ tired I am. It literally pisses me off when I hear "oh well once the baby gets here, blah blah blah." Yea well the baby isn't here yet so I should be able to get shit done. I've been sleep deprived before, I used to run on only 4-5 hours of sleep. I did just fine. This tired is something completely different.

I wake up at 6:30am work till 5, get home at 5:30 and in bed by 7 or 7:30pm. I have no time to do anything. I have so much to do before Emery gets here and I'm never going to get it done. I still have to sand his dresser and paint it, I have to get his room set up, I have to finish shopping for the necessities we need, I need to get myself things to prepare for him and after him. I have to have time to practice my hypnobirthing. I try to at bedtime but I'm literally asleep within a minute of my head hitting the pillow. With my new work schedule I only get to see Jake for 20 minutes in the morning, after work on Friday, Saturday and until 2:30 on Sunday. We have the boys Friday- 10am on Sunday so of course we can't do anything on those days because we constantly have to be doing stuff for them. I can't even sleep in on the weekends because they're running through the house, bickering with each other, being loud and disruptive and then I wake up realllllly fucking cranky.

Then my anxiety has shown up and my chest hurts allllll day. As if I'm not breathless from being squished inside, I have anxiety making my chest even tighter. Of course I can't say any of this because then I'm big whiny baby.

I wanted to flip the fuck out on EVERYONE today. The annoying bitches down the way who talk in their shrill voices like dumb little valley girls. The girls who wear high heels and clomp around because they have no idea HTF to walk in them. The people who fill out the forms I have to enter for 7.5hrs a day, it says to print but nope, they scribble and I can't read the shit. Then I spend 10 minutes online using all these different resources to figure out what it says, or the number for the address. I especially wanted to smack whoever made the goddamn kettle corn and packed it around. If I had a nap I'd be fine but of course I'm not getting paid to take a nap. I'm a zombie if I do something at work and don't get to sleep as long. I literally just space off alllll day. I cannot focus and all I can think of is how my heavy body feels from exhaustion. I'm afraid to drive because I'm so tired and then I'm all freaking out thinking of accidents and praying I don't because nothing can happen to Emery.

I'm a wreck. I'm about to have a huge emotional meltdown. I don't know how to remedy this...the iron isn't working fast enough so until it kicks in I'm going to be exhausted, bitchy and overly emotional all while dealing with all this anxiety because of everything.

I'm going to go take a longgg hot bath with a book and hope I can calm down and then sleep for my measly 10hours.

2 comments:

  1. Aww honey, you need to step back and take a deep breath. Remember the most the baby needs is love, and milk! Everything will fall into place in due time. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of him! Our girls slept in our room in the pnp for 4 months before they went into their cribs. Their room sat virtually unused for a total of 5 months after their birth. It will all come together and you'll be laughing at all your worrying this time next year.

    And as a side note, when my aunt brought my cousin home after 3 months of hospital bed rest not only was nothing prepared, there was nothing to prepare. She pulled the drawer out in her night stand and let my cousin sleep there!! The 1980's cosleeper!!

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  2. sounds like you need to delegate some of that crap on to someone else. can you get the necessities online rather than actually going shopping??? is there a way you could take a nap in your car during the day (i know a teacher that used to do this on her break)??? i'm so sorry things suck so bad, but i had to laugh at your comment about people not knowing how to walk in heels...that pisses me off too.

    make people do shit for you. if you can't read their timecard, then they don't get paid. lay down the laws...if you're bitchy now, it's only going to get worse!

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