Yesterday was so rough. I accepted it was a boy, I KNEW it was going to a boy. The tech told us a boy and that was that. I was just kind of in shock all day. I still can't get over the fact that there is this little mango sized baby in my belly, just flipping around content, sitting almost cross legged with a hand up by his face and the other kind of behind is back. Just the way daddy likes to sleep. I was so thankful that he was healthy as I've held my breath (but not for too long) before every appointment hoping that everything would be fine. I went into this thinking I couldn't have babies and suddenly here is this little tiny boy inside me.
All day I was pretty fine with it. I was emotional all around. Jake had somehow gotten cranky that morning. I woke up just wanting him to be so excited that we would find out what our little baby was and instead he was cranky and storming around. I didn't know what I had done or why he was being that way and I just went into bed and cried. Then I called my mom and talked to her and my sister for awhile until I got less emotional. Then off to the doctor. After the appointment I had Jake with me and we went to lunch and ran a couple errands after the appointment. I was in my own little world. Then Jake went to work and I was reading blogs before I had to and crying. Was I disappointed? Was I really so selfish to be disappointed that I was having a boy instead of a girl and instead being thankful that I was having a baby at all, and so far a very healthy one?
I read this blog Nella Cordelia Birth Story and I BAWLED. I sobbed and sobbed till I almost couldn't breathe. I gathered myself as I had to go to work, my eyes all puffy and my nose sniffly. I made it through work without having a break down and got home. Jake and I were texting and he said he was wondering what our baby's hair would be like. I answered that I thought it would be dark like ours but in between my curly and his SUPER straight hair. He ended up saying something about how the baby would probably be just like him and I broke down. I started crying. I realized I wasn't disappointed that I wasn't having a girl but I was insecure. My baby wouldn't really have any of my features and he wouldn't be able to go get pedicures with me and all the girly stuff moms do with their daughters. Instead he'd be a boy and he'd be doing boy stuff with his dad and his brothers. I felt like I'd be missing out on so much. I grew up around only girls, sure I was a tom boy but I had little girl cousins and little sisters. How could I ever relate to a boy? How could I ever be on his level? Then I think of the boys and how they act out and I was scared ours would do that. Ethan only ever wants his daddy. I rarely get hugs or kisses anymore. I'm sure its because of their awful mom telling them things out of jealousy. I tried telling myself it's because they have a horrible "mom" who does nothing with them and they know of no discipline at her house. I KNOW that our baby will ALWAYS have a loving home with two loving parents and would never have to be that way. Jake reminded me that Ethan is so much better than he ever was and is better with me everyday. He reminded me of Monday night when we made tacos for dinner. Ethan ate so well by himself. We didn't have to remind him to take bites or drink less juice. He ate and ate. He ate so many tangerines slices that Jake peeled. Jake gets so busy that he forgets to eat his own dinner so when the boys wanted another tangerine I sat down to peel it. I have a citrus peeler from Tupperware and Ethan was waiting patiently standing beside me. I asked him if he'd like to help and he nodded and said yes. I pulled him up on my lap and explained the peeler and he helped me peel it. He was gobbling down the pieces just as quickly as I could get the seeds out and at one point he turned and gave me a kiss on the cheek. It was one of those little moments you don't forget. That was the reason I woke up smiling the next morning that the boys were there. I cried harder when I remembered this. Jake tried his best to listen to me through texts and have responses but I think he was at a loss. His boys always want him, he is their hero so he had no idea how I was feeling. I cried harder because I felt so guilty. I felt like everything was selfishness on my part and would my baby feel like it was unwanted? Did it feel like I was disappointed?
I got a good nights sleep and woke up feeling so much better today. I'm NOT disappointed I'm having a boy. I was just scared that I wouldn't be good enough. That I wouldn't be "daddy" and all they wanted like Ethan only wants daddy. I will be this little boys mommy. The woman who carried him in her womb for 9 months, the one who talked to her baby when she was alone, the one who prayed that he'd be safe and healthy every night. I will feed him and cherish every moment he's tucked into my side. I will be his role model, I'll kiss his boo boo's, I'll teach him his colors and numbers and alphabet. I'll teach how to be a gentleman and hold the doors open. I'll teach him manners and read him bedtime stories and kiss him in at night. I'll be the very best I can be to my little guy and where I may fall short his amazing daddy will be there to teach and love. I am so not disappointed to have a boy. I am so very blessed. I am so blessed to have 3 amazing guys in my life and the love of my life on his way into the world in a few short months. I know that when I hold him for the first time I'll fall even farther in love that I could have ever imagined. I can't wait to meet my little Emery Jacob.