Friday, October 29, 2010

Stunned.


I've had a few issues with work lately. In fact yesterday was the last straw for me. My manager made a rude comment that was completely unprofessional. With all the crap I've put up with silently I called the franchise owner to discuss it with her. We're supposed to sit down on Tuesday to discuss everything, the three of us. Today though I got to work and my manager asked to speak with me. She asked what happened yesterday and I told her exactly what happened and why I was so put off with her attitude and comment. She basically told me that I can't be mad at her because she won't give me Sunday's off and doesn't want there to be any awkwardness for us working together. 

She asked why I wasn't my happy chatty self at work. I explained that for 2 months I was sick with morning sickness and trying not to barf all day and then I've had to deal with people who can't do their job and I have to try to pick up the slack. I told her I was at the point where I just come in to do my job and leave at the end of the night. I don't feel like knowing all the dirty details of people's drama when we have our own drama at home. I told her that this whole battle over the boys has really had me in another world. She said she just didn't understand. I explained that Sunday is our ONE day with Nathan because during the week when we have visitation from 9am-1pm Nathan is in school. So when I work Sunday's I miss out on any activities we can do that day and I'm not able to be a positive female role model in his life. I said that she just didn't seem to understand that yet her schedule is made so that she can see her kids. I told her that she gets to go home to her kids every night and tuck them in and Sunday and Monday is the only day we get to do that. She basically told me that she doesn't feel for me and can't be sympathetic because they're not mine where as her kids are HERS. They are not biologically mine. So apparently if you're a parent who adopts a child, you don't love them and wouldn't give them the world because they're not YOURS. If you're a step parent you can't love them because they're not YOURS. All because they already have a mom and a dad. I explained yes they have a mom who birthed them, but she is NOT a mother in any way. I've stepped up and tried to be the mom they haven't had. I started crying at work because I was SO pissed off that she could say this. That just because I'm a girlfriend and I didn't give birth to those children that I don't love them the same or more than their biological mom. I don't think I've ever heard such an ignorant comment before. I was really just stunned. Then she pretended to give a shit about what those boys go through and give me a hug. I really just wanted to walk out. Instead I just collected myself and went about work. 

I have no respect for her anymore. Work is not going to get any better. It's most definitely time to start looking for another job. A job where I can make my hours so that I can have all the time I want with those boys. 

On a better note....I felt the baby move for the first time today. I went and got a pedicure with Beth and then we went to lunch. I was sitting still listening to her chat away and I felt this little tap tap tap in the center of my belly. They weren't all in the same spot but less than a half inch apart. I was stunned. I was like "whoa, I think that was the baby." I tried to see if it was going to happen again. I usually get a muscle twitch that twitches 3 or 4 times on my left side, then stops and then happens again. Didn't happen and didn't feel the same so I'm assuming it was the little one. I'm gonna start paying attention even more to see if it happens again anytime soon. It felt nothing like a "butterfly" it was definitely a little tapping inside. I'm so excited!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Pumpkins Round 2

Ethan's new thing: Having his shirt off.


The set-up. Ignore the messy desk which is still in an unorganized disarray 
until I sort through another 5 years of stuff.









Kayla's

Nathan's

Ethan's

Nathan's

Ethan's

Daddy's

Kayla's (Bats above houses, I didn't like the graveyard idea)

awww

Last night we had a little disagreement, probably because I'm overly emotional. I used to just be able to hide it away or write and I'd be fine. Now that I'm pregnant I either get pissed or I just want to have a crying breakdown. Thankfully all of our issues are so very minor and it only makes us so much stronger. Tomorrow is our half anniversary. A first for me as I've always dated losers in the past and Jake is by far the best thing that's ever happened to me. Along with that first was this....


My first dozen roses and they are sooooo beautiful. I want to pack them around with me everywhere. Our baby better be that pretty because I definitely will HAVE to pack it around with me everywhere ;)

For a guy who didn't believe in cards before we met, he always picks out the most perfect card and makes me cry. I felt like a huge meany for our disagreement last night after I read this one and saw my pretty flowers. Oh well, it's all part of a relationship and you just work harder to prevent them in the future. 

Not only does he pick out the most beautiful flowers, and perfect cards but he does the little things. He lets me tuck my cold feet under him, he doesn't show annoyance when I always play with his ear, even when I don't even know I'm doing it or when I run my hands through his hair. All of which little Ethan notices. Randomly Ethan will be sitting on the couch and start playing with daddy's hair or rubbing his ear or back and shoulders like I do. I am absolutely smitten with these boys of mine. He makes me eggs in the morning, he bought me seedless jelly because he likes berry but I don't like the little seeds, he sometimes will suffer through watching A Baby Story, sometimes he tells me good morning in a cheery voice or sends a cute text message. He never hassles me to hurry up and get out of the bathroom or to get ready, he helps me with projects and gets things from the high shelves and he never ever wakes me up when I'm sawing down trees in my sleep and keeping him awake. 

I am so thankful to have him in my life. I fall in love with him more and more everyday and can't wait to see what our future holds.

I love you Jake. Thank you again for my beautiful flowers, they're beyond perfect. <333

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

First Belly Picture

I was chubby to begin with so I've spent weeks just looking even more chubby and not very pregnant. I'm at the point where there is definitely NO sucking it in. It's there no matter what I do so I took my first belly picture. I should definitely pop more in the next month.

We had our doctor appointment yesterday. Heartbeat was 150. I'm definitely on the fence as to what the baby is. My dream last night they again couldn't figure out what it was but said that the baby was really long so it'll be tall like daddy so it has to be a boy. I can't tell if this is a sign its a boy or that when we have our ultrasound they won't be able to tell. Ha. I also was dreaming that I felt the baby moving. I'm SO anxious to feel it.

The doctor felt my tummy which I guess she was measuring the fundus. How big your uterus is for those that don't know. I was at 16wks. Shelley (midwife) said that each week it will grow 1cm which is the width of a fingertip. By 20 weeks it'll be at my belly button.

We have 22 days until we find out what the little one is. November 17th is the big day. My sister is due November 15th. So shortly after we'll be able to find out if Kassie gets to pass me all her adorable girly clothes or if I get to spend a fortune buying cute boys clothes. WHY must girl clothes be so much cuter?!

My friend Beth is coming to town tomorrow. We're getting together Friday for lunch and pedicures. I need a pedicure SO bad. It'll be nice to get my feet rubbed. I'm sure that will be the one thing Jake will refuse to do since he hates feet lol.

I've been trying to look for a different job. I'm so fed up with the crap at work that I don't even look forward to going anymore. I have requested to have Sunday's off. We have a full staff of stylists so there are plenty to work that day. Sunday is the ONE day that I get to spend time with Nathan. When we have Ethan during the week for our 4hrs it's during the day when Nathan is in school so we get no time with him. Monday's that I have off he is in school so that severely limits what activities we can do in the couple hours after school before dinner and bedtime.With everything he deals with at his mom's house I want to have that one day to spend with him and be a positive influence in his life. My manager said she won't give me them off and when I explained that it was our only day together as a family she said "well I'm a single mom too so I don't get to see my kids when I work." I wanted to smack her. Her children live with her she gets to see her kids at night and put them to bed EVERY night. She has absolutely no idea. I was so frustrated when she replied with that crap that I could have told her I was done. Instead its time to just bide my time and make some paychecks while I look for other things. I want to booth rent but then I don't know what I'll do with clients when I take maternity leave and how I'll pay for that months rent. So I'm looking into CPR and First Aid classes so I can hopefully look into daycare's or preschool's.

That's enough of that though. I need to go clean out boxes from my storage shed and try my new pregnant Pilate's DVD. Hopefully I'll enjoy it.

Monday, October 18, 2010

It must come naturally...

myself being a mother that is.

Jake on Monday's and Tuesday's get the boys up and is FRAZZLED. He tries to juggle it all and rush rush rush. I suppose it'd be a little more difficult with Ethan because he's so damn stubborn.

We were SO exhausted after yesterday that it was bedtime at 7:45. I was OUT before Jake even crawled in a few minutes later. Apparently my body refuses to let me sleep in more than 8 hours. 8 and 1/2 MAX. I was wide awake at 4:15am. I laid there and tossed and turned for an hour. Finally not feeling good I just got outta bed to prevent disturbing my hunny's sleep. He's taking a training class for his CDL A endorsements so this week he's working 8am-4:30 instead of his usual 3pm-11:30. I laid on the couch with a Gatorade and Law and Order until I passed out at 6:30 and slept for 40 minutes when Jake got up.

Jake has to have EVERYTHING prepared, he's the only one who can do it right. So of course he had Nathan's clothes and medicine set out. I have to say it was cake getting him up. 7:45 he got outta bed, no issue. Quick shower and fully cleaned, no issue. Dressed and breakfast made and eaten, no issue. Medicine taken, teeth brushed, hair done, no issue. Got the car warmed up, seat in the car and we got him to school on time and the day began. I in no way feel frazzled. Maybe one day I'll be trusted with Ethan for a day and we'll see how I manage that. I don't know how we're about to have a baby. Maybe Jake will step back and relax and let me do my thing. I have it in me. I nannied when I lived in VA, I used to watch an infant and a toddler and did just fine. Like I said, I have it in me, its naturally there. Now Jake just needs to realize I'm capable.

I'm going to try to feel better, stupid rumbly grumbly tummy and a headache. Read my mommy blogs, take a bubble bath and shave these terribly prickly legs. Oh, and lets not forget my nap. I deserve it since I've been awake before the rooster.

Friday, October 15, 2010

A little relief...

Yesterday Jake and I tackled the downstairs bedrooms. Let me tell you what this consisted of. One bedrooms floor was COVERED in toys. The boys had so many toys they were strewn everywhere as they went through all of the stuff for a toy they wanted to play with. Upstairs I've incorporated a toy box and whenever Ethan is done with a toy it goes back in the box. He's done pretty well with it, but downstairs there's no Nazi Kayla to stay on him about it. So downstairs was a complete disaster. About 4 months ago I tackled one of the rooms and had bagged up the entire floor into garbage bags and bins that they could go through to decide what to keep. Thankfully I had done that because a few short weeks later I moved in and would have nowhere for my boxes to go. That room had stayed organized but the one was a wreck. Yesterday we went through toys and decided which few we'd keep for the baby and which were garbage and then things to donate. We had about 3 bags of garbage and 6 bags of donations. Today we packed it all into the car, dumped it and then had an ever bigger load stuffed in the car to be donated. Those boys had soooo many toys it was insane. They won't be getting anymore toys until they learn to respect them and treat them nicely and put them away.

I am SO relieved that we now only have one toy box upstairs that's overflowing and a little one downstairs for the baby. The floor is now able to be walked upon in any direction. After we get the couch out of there I can vacuum. That's so much less crap we'll have to deal with when we move. So excited to have finally gotten it done and I can tell that it was a bit of relief for Jake as well. We found 2 big bags of baby clothes down there as well. Boy stuff of course. So if we have a boy we're set for a bit. I didn't go through the bags but from what I could see most of it was really nice. Speaking of clothes I had a dream last night. I don't have dreams where I have the baby and am toting it around. My dream was really vague but I remember going through girl swimsuits at the store and found the perfect 0-3 months pink suit with black polka dots. That's as close as I come to dreaming about babies and what it might be.

We have 10 days until our monthly appointment and then probably 3 weeks after that till we find out what the little one is. We are SO anxious. I'm so ready to start preparing and not laying awake day dreaming of what it'll be.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Overwhelmed.

The more I think about parenting the more I get a little nervous. I know it'll just come to me, I've always had great instinct but its the little things. I grew up around all girls. I have two sisters, my 3 closest cousins are like sisters, I've been around my aunts all my life growing up. I had my dad but of course he had 3 girls so what happens if I have a boy?! Thank Gosh Jake has 2 of them. Do you call it a wee-wee or a pee-pee or are you supposed to be politically correct and call it a penis? Shoot I grew up and we called our girly parts our TuTu. Don't ask me how it came about, that's just what it was end of story. If I have a girl is that what we'll call it or what do other people call it? It's little things like this that keep me awake at night.

On top of all that I stress about where we'll be living. I doubt we'll be in this house. We haven't found an apartment we like, Jake is so picky and yet our income is going to be restricted with my leave and already I've had a drop in my hours due to "new hires". I'm overwhelmed not being able to picture where the baby's crib will be set up, or how the boys room will be etc. I'm a planner. I like things planned just so, I like to know exactly what will happen and what to expect. I have a spontaneous side but that comes down to trips and adventures. When I'm dealing with a brand new life I want to feel secure about my surroundings. I'm trying really hard to not let this stress me out. I believe we have some time to figure it out but its still enough to make me want to pull hair.

I just ordered a DVD for prenatal Pilate's.



Hopefully this will get my exercise in, help me with breathing for pain management and let me relax and not worry about things so much. I found it from a blog I follow Ramblings of a Babymama So hopefully this will be a good one. If anyone has any other recommendations please let me know. I'm always open to new materials :)

With that I'm off to a girlfriends jewelery party. It'll be nice to be around some women, even though I'll only know 2 or 3. But they know how much I love my rings so maybe I'll find something reasonably priced that I love. I've become such a cheapskate and anything I buy I feel guilty about because It could have been saved for the baby. I'll start working on that after this month is over.

Friday, October 8, 2010

I'm going to win the lottery...

Then we can win custody of the boys. 

Then I can stay home with them and the baby. 

On the news a little 3 year old boy was in the hospital. His babysitter SLAMMED him to the ground to strip his clothes off him because he had peed them. He had bleeding skull fractures. How does someone have that much RAGE inside them that they would take it out on an innocent child?! There's a difference between a spanking when its really needed, on your own child that is one thing but to CRACK OPEN a child's head...It makes me sick. Today he passed away. Some parents are mourning over the loss of their child because someone was so utterly cruel to a child. Some people will never get to hold their child again, so hold yours tight and give them extra kisses.

This makes me want to stay at home with my baby. Who can you trust anymore to watch your child and protect them as well as you would?

I've been looking into getting my CPR and First Aid certifications so that I can work at a daycare or a preschool. There need to be more people in the world who work FOR the children. To teach them the things their parents don't, to care for them when their parents can't and know that they will be safe, never harmed or neglected. CPS doesn't fight for the children until a long ways down the road when they're already jaded by the ways of the world. Children should only have to focus on being innocent and knowing that they are loved and cherished. No child should have to be told they're worthless, to be sick all the time because the parent is too lazy to take them to the doctor, to go hungry, to fear when they will be struck by the hand of the one's who are supposed to protect their innocence. 

This has always been something that has bothered me but now that I'm expecting my own child, I want nothing but the best for them. I want them to feel safe and loved every single moment of every day.  I don't want them to ever have to wonder about anything other than when they get that treat after dinner, or where a certain baby doll is, or when we get to go to the park. I may only be one person, but sometimes it only takes ONE person to change or influence the life of a child. 

"Life is about who you love and who you hurt. It's about how you feel about yourself. It's about trust, happiness and compassion. It's about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance and building confidence. It's about what you say and what you mean. It's about seeing people for who they are and not what they have. Most of all, it is about choosing to use your life to touch someone else's in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise." -Ralph Waldo Emerson