Friday, August 27, 2010

"Completely Normal..."

Is what my doctor told me today when I went in. The last thing that should seem normal is bleeding and cramping. That's normal for a miscarriage and I'm terrified of going through that again. Apparently if its not heavy or painful cramps then its your body adjusting. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed for no more spotting and I've already noticed less cramps. Of course I'm going to still have that nagging doubt in the back of my mind until next Wednesday. 

My doctor made me an appointment for an ultrasound to give me some peace of mind. Really, all I want is to hear the heartbeat. I just want to know that its there. There wont be much of my baby to see but a little froggy looking thing the size of a jellybean. Friday I have my exam and blood work. I feel like the past 3 weeks have been the longest ever. I wake up just waiting for it to be night time so that I'm another day down. Ready to be at the point where a chance for a miscarriage is basically zilch. No one really understands the worry. "You'll be fine, quit worrying." "Oh you're just being dramatic." I guess most people wouldn't understand unless they know how painful it is. At 17 I couldn't have really cared. I was shocked, terrified, had a terrible person wanting an abortion and I had so many goals for myself. It was sort of a relief to be honest. Then you grow up and that maternal instinct is always there, you want to be the mommy you always played house being and dreamed of. I've had my family planned out ever since I can remember and suddenly I'm being told I'll probably never be able to have babies. "That pain is too much scar tissue and not allowing the eggs to pass, you'll have a very hard time ever getting pregnant, let alone if you're even fertile." I think I spent the next 3 weeks crying my days away until I realized that's not living. Telling your family and the one person you care about more than anything is even harder than admitting it to yourself. Your secret is out and you're more vulnerable than ever, but you know you'll be OK because you have amazing supportive people in your life. 

The last thing I EVER expected was to be late. To take that test and see two pink lines. My mind was racing with how to tell people, do I even tell people and mostly that it couldn't be true. I spent about two weeks making myself sick with worry when it was gonna happen. When I was going to start having the pain I did at 17, when suddenly I'd be flushing everything away. Any little pain and I was worried that it was a miscarriage starting, or that from all the scar tissue that I was going to have an ectopic pregnancy. An abortion would never have been an option, but with an ectopic pregnancy, that is your only option unless you'd like to risk your life. How would I ever be able to live with that, and how would I ever be brave enough to have another baby with two losses in my past? 

Until this past week or so I've just hidden my fears because no one can understand my worry. I just tried to be optimistic and keep a poker face. Coming up with names, looking at bedding and wishing what it will be. We bought a car seat and a stroller and I was so terrified that's when IT would happen. Just as I got my hopes up that I could actually be a mom I was worried it would all be ripped away from me. This week it seems more real than ever, that I've accepted it and I've allowed myself to get excited since I'm nearly 8 weeks and the chance is minimal after that and nearly nothing after 12 weeks. 5 Weeks to go until I feel completely safe for the most part.

I'm just so ready to get this first visit out of the way on Friday, or even if we can see or hear Wednesday with the ultrasound. We just want to know that they baby is OK and healthy at this point and then I'll feel much more at peace with the whole process. I guess the worry starts now, and its never going to go away for the rest of my life. I'm gonna worry about illness, nutrition, my baby being picked on at school, broken bones, broken hearts, broken cars and whatever else I can find to worry about. THANK YOU GENETICS for making me halfway neurotic. Thank you body for creating this little jellybean and it'll be an even bigger thank you on Wednesday when I know that I'll still be housing a human 7 months from now.

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