Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Touched.

Tomorrow at 1pm we have an ultrasound. I'm feeling very anxious for it. I'm very hopeful but just trying to feel neutral about the entire thing. When we leave with good news then I'll be ecstatic. The girls at work are so excited to see as well. I'm so grateful that I have such supportive coworkers who have been very understanding and helpful. It'd be so hard to go to work where no one cared or understood.

The past couple days we've had the boys. I'm not sure if daddy wants the boys names mentioned here so we'll just call them N and E for now :) On Sunday N was looking at a book with me that Jacqi (coworker) gave me. It shows what the baby looks like week by week and explains things. Also has some great studies they've done about babies in the womb and outside. It's called "The Miraculous World of Your Unborn Baby" by Nikki Bradford. I was explaining what was in the pictures and letting him pick out things he saw. He was so interested in it and was great at noticing features in the ultrasounds. I guess the next day Jake said that he was looking at it again while I was at work and explaining the pictures to little E. After I got off work and we had dinner he went back to the couch and sat down with the book. E was sitting next to him for a few minutes looking too. My heart melted. They were so cute, and I'm not so nervous to tell them. I think N is going to make a great big brother again, and once E gets the concept I'm sure he'll be so adorable about a baby and asking lots of questions. I was really worried about how E would be with a baby around, but the past week he's been so much different. He's gotten more affectionate, he even let me cut his hair!!! Big move on his part there. He's been so much better with listening and behaving that I'm much more comfortable with how things will be 7 months from now. 

Studying away...


Boys looking at a picture of what baby looked like last week. (6 weeks)


We went to Barnes and Noble today to look at some books. I wanted to find a really neat one with lots of pictures because I loveee that stuff and N seems to enjoy it as well. They didn't have anything I wanted to drop at least 20 bucks on so I just got a pregnancy journal/tracker. It will be helpful for remembering symptoms, doctors appts, what to pack, what questions to ask and that sort of thing. I've already started filling it up. One of the questions was what Mommy thinks the baby will be and what Daddy thinks. I think Boy just because Jake has two already and his mom had 3 boys before 2 girls, but Daddy thinks Girl just because my side of the family is mostly girls. Silly man, doesn't he know his swimmers choose? I hope its a girl just to add to the mix and so I'll have a little one to be my partner. Either way just as everyone says, I'll just be happy with a healthy baby. Guess we won't have any idea until the time comes.

I'm getting a little behind in my personal journal. I bought one years ago that I really liked but never had anything to fill it up with. So once I found out I was pregnant I decided to use it to write more personal thoughts that I can give to the baby someday. I wish I had something to go back and read. I'm too sentimental and nerdy I guess. I just think it will be really cool for my child and theirs to read back on how many years down the road.

I also went to Michael's last week to get a scrapbook to start doing for the family. We've already had so many days at the lake, trip to Montana, the zoo, Space Needle, and aquarium in Seattle. I've gotten camera crazy but I think the boys will enjoy helping and adding things to it and to look back on. They had such a great sale that I got another one for nine bucks that I can start for the baby. I'm soooo blessed to have found Jake. It blows my mind everyday how much you can love someone and their kids that aren't even yours biologically. It grows and grows everyday. I think my heart is gonna explode when I see him and the boys with our little replica.

andddd I think that's enough of that. Getting all emotional...I need to save that for tomorrow :)

Friday, August 27, 2010

"Completely Normal..."


Is what my doctor told me today when I went in. The last thing that should seem normal is bleeding and cramping. That's normal for a miscarriage and I'm terrified of going through that again. Apparently if its not heavy or painful cramps then its your body adjusting. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed for no more spotting and I've already noticed less cramps. Of course I'm going to still have that nagging doubt in the back of my mind until next Wednesday. 

My doctor made me an appointment for an ultrasound to give me some peace of mind. Really, all I want is to hear the heartbeat. I just want to know that its there. There wont be much of my baby to see but a little froggy looking thing the size of a jellybean. Friday I have my exam and blood work. I feel like the past 3 weeks have been the longest ever. I wake up just waiting for it to be night time so that I'm another day down. Ready to be at the point where a chance for a miscarriage is basically zilch. No one really understands the worry. "You'll be fine, quit worrying." "Oh you're just being dramatic." I guess most people wouldn't understand unless they know how painful it is. At 17 I couldn't have really cared. I was shocked, terrified, had a terrible person wanting an abortion and I had so many goals for myself. It was sort of a relief to be honest. Then you grow up and that maternal instinct is always there, you want to be the mommy you always played house being and dreamed of. I've had my family planned out ever since I can remember and suddenly I'm being told I'll probably never be able to have babies. "That pain is too much scar tissue and not allowing the eggs to pass, you'll have a very hard time ever getting pregnant, let alone if you're even fertile." I think I spent the next 3 weeks crying my days away until I realized that's not living. Telling your family and the one person you care about more than anything is even harder than admitting it to yourself. Your secret is out and you're more vulnerable than ever, but you know you'll be OK because you have amazing supportive people in your life. 

The last thing I EVER expected was to be late. To take that test and see two pink lines. My mind was racing with how to tell people, do I even tell people and mostly that it couldn't be true. I spent about two weeks making myself sick with worry when it was gonna happen. When I was going to start having the pain I did at 17, when suddenly I'd be flushing everything away. Any little pain and I was worried that it was a miscarriage starting, or that from all the scar tissue that I was going to have an ectopic pregnancy. An abortion would never have been an option, but with an ectopic pregnancy, that is your only option unless you'd like to risk your life. How would I ever be able to live with that, and how would I ever be brave enough to have another baby with two losses in my past? 

Until this past week or so I've just hidden my fears because no one can understand my worry. I just tried to be optimistic and keep a poker face. Coming up with names, looking at bedding and wishing what it will be. We bought a car seat and a stroller and I was so terrified that's when IT would happen. Just as I got my hopes up that I could actually be a mom I was worried it would all be ripped away from me. This week it seems more real than ever, that I've accepted it and I've allowed myself to get excited since I'm nearly 8 weeks and the chance is minimal after that and nearly nothing after 12 weeks. 5 Weeks to go until I feel completely safe for the most part.

I'm just so ready to get this first visit out of the way on Friday, or even if we can see or hear Wednesday with the ultrasound. We just want to know that they baby is OK and healthy at this point and then I'll feel much more at peace with the whole process. I guess the worry starts now, and its never going to go away for the rest of my life. I'm gonna worry about illness, nutrition, my baby being picked on at school, broken bones, broken hearts, broken cars and whatever else I can find to worry about. THANK YOU GENETICS for making me halfway neurotic. Thank you body for creating this little jellybean and it'll be an even bigger thank you on Wednesday when I know that I'll still be housing a human 7 months from now.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

and we have a blog.

I decided to start a blog to track all the exciting baby news. I'm in Spokane which is hours from my mom and sister, even farther from my dad and calls can be few and far between with my crazy schedule. So here is the blog. Now you can read up on everything baby! :)

I hope this will be a success. I can share news, concerns, pictures and whatever randomness I can manage to throw into this thing. Hopefully years from now I can look back on this and have a few memories of this roller-coaster I'm about to ride. If the Internet still exists someday when my baby is my age they can look back at this and see more than I can fit into a baby book, scrapbook and photo albums.

If you're checking in, leave a comment so I know who all is keeping in touch. I made it so that you don't have to have an account. If you post under anonymous please let me know in your comment who you are. Lets make this a success! :D